Loving a Narcissist
I don’t have the same once upon a time story as most women who date self absorbed narcissists do. There was no fairy tale relationship in the beginning, he had always been a piece of work. So what was my problem? Why did I stay if the red flags were there in my face, on fire even? He touched a very soft spot in my heart by telling me that he’s not a monster on purpose. He has a mental illness.
Little did I know that I had set myself up to become the perfect victim. For every thing he did wrong, there was that mental illness excuse at the back of my mind that had me forgiving him every time. I didn’t know how to tell the difference between when he was directly being an asshole from when he was not “himself’. I tortured myself for years with the guilt of ; What type of a person am I if I hold a mentally ill persons actions against them?
So I forgave, over and over again. I apologized for the sake of peace, not because I was wrong. When he needed me at 2am, I would wake up and take an uber to him with no questions. Often finding him passed out drunk. I would walk for 30 minutes to his place when he needed me and I didn’t have the money to use public transport. 90% of my time belonged to him and I had no friends. I would never say no. I was okay with all his bad habits, I allowed him to talk down on me and then accept his bland apologies.
I cannot lie and say that it was all bad. But I can say I held onto the good times way more than I should have and I celebrated them way more than necessary. It should never be a surprise that your man does something romantic. It should never be a rare occasion that you dream of when it comes to him telling you, you’re beautiful and he loves you. You should never be saying “finally”, when things seem emotionally stable..
But even with all these realizations, I still stayed. I still felt guilty when I thought about leaving him. I still loved him and I convinced myself that if I was a better woman, and I read more articles on his illness I would understand him better and be able to help. I believed he could change and become the man that I have always wanted him to be.
It took me a long time to come out of my denial and accept that it is what it is. I was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship, and this man didn’t love me. He just loved the power he had over me.
I cannot say the relationship ended, because to be honest it never began. But I can say I had never known more peace than the day I walked out of his flat for the last time. I looked at him with heaviness in my heart, still thinking about the drunken verbal abuse he had put me through the night before. He was on the floor, a mess and still drunk. I tried to say goodbye, but all he did was look at me and went back to sleep.
I know where ever he is, I am wrong. I am the ungrateful one, I am the one who was abusive, possessive and insecure. I am the one who just didn’t understand him. I am the problem and he is the good dude who tried so hard to love me and I walked away because I thought I was better than him.
He can say what he wants. He can ruin my name to whoever decides to listen. You see, you’re always the bad guy to a person who never really loved you. and with that in mind, I AM FREE.
