Mistakes Are Significant
Why you should never want to go back and change the past.
For the longest part of my twenties I have been too scared to live my truth, because I believed anything less than what I was supposed to be wasn’t good enough.
I was supposed to be 24 with a Masters in Economics. I was supposed to be this successful Business Analyst working for one of the biggest companies in South Africa. My father was going to give me his Mercedes Benz when I completed my first qualification and by 30, I would have two kids and a lawyer husband.
You see, I was part of the over achievers in my school and everything I touched turned to gold. I was academically gifted, I was an excellent creative student with distinctions in drama and known for my dancing skills. I was great at every sport that I played and although I was quite the controversial topic at school, there was no denying that I had the tools and characteristics to be successful.
I don’t know if it was because I had it so easy as a teen, but the moment I stepped into the university zone, I was fucked.
I was excluded after three attempts of my first year. I started again at another university and eventually dropped out after another three years. That’s six years of my life gone.
For every year I was behind on the plan I felt more and more like a failure. Whenever I went home I could never look my father in the eye. I could never smile with all my heart with my mother. They never told me they hated me for my disappointments, but they didn’t have too. The hate I had for myself was enough.
During those years I pretended to be something I was not. I was either trying to compensate through things like relationships where 90% of them were toxic because when you hate yourself, you attract people who will never love you. Another way to compensate was through another career option. I pursued a music career, that I actually hated. Yes I love music, I love writing songs, I am a great dancer and my vocals are not too bad. But I didn’t want the whole performance life that I was getting myself into. I just did all of that because it filled the void of failure. If I couldn’t be successful with the first plan, I’d just make this work.
But you can’t run away from who you are. That was my real failure.
I wanted to study Marketing or Dance. But like most black parents traumatised by a disadvantaged life, my mother and father operated from a place of fear. Specifically my mom. She’s a housewife who gave up her career dreams to build a family. She regrets not being financially independent from my father, and so she pushed me to make better choices. So I did what I believed my mother wanted from me, which was to study something that was known to give you a good income, Economics. I didn’t even choose my choices as second or third options when applying. I completely put myself aside.
However, what’s for you will find you when you’re ready to accept who you are. Little did I know that me dropping out was my way of telling the universe that I was done trying to be something I was not. I still cared about what my parents thought and I still saw myself as a failure, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t have a plan at all but what I knew was that I didn’t have the fight in me to keep trying the same thing over and over again. I was enough.
And when I finally let go of being something I was not, my purpose found me.
I came across a free school for an advertising qualification with the option to specialise in writing. I never thought that was even real. The small town where I come from we were only taught that your options were finance, medicine, engineering, etc. “Big boy” careers. Besides writing books, I didn’t know it was possible to write for a living. I had no idea how advertising even worked.
Well, I ended up excelling in that school and bagged an internship at an agency. Was I insecure that I was older than the other interns? Funny enough, no. I was so happy that I was doing something that felt fulfilling, I didn’t care what the circumstances were. But the circumstances didn’t even matter because my natural talents were way beyond an intern level and even my seniors. Fast forward, in less than two years into my career as a copywriter I have tripled that intern salary and I am part of the marketing department for one of the biggest companies in South Africa.
This is not a message about looking back at my life and wishing I made better choices. This is a message to encourage anyone who took a different path than the one they wanted. I want to tell you that when you’re ready it will work out. That dream that everyone told you is not real, I promise if you start working on it again it will work out. That thing that you doubted is possible, if you start reaching for it, it will work out.
Everything you’ve been through will help you achieve your purpose. The mistakes are significant. Six years of me not having my shit together was significant. I went through things that I needed to go through to be the perfect person for the position that I am in right now.
Stop being mad for not choosing yourself back then. Just choose yourself now.
